UWE BOLL TO DIRECT MARS MOVIE!

The Floating Banana Chronicles understands that oft-maligned German film maker, Uwe Boll, is in advanced talks with the American government to produce and direct NASA's planned 2011 manned mission to Mars. Top secret negotiations have been taking place between Boll and government officials since February and will be finalised once Boll's agent, Gerald Naschtkind, returns from a family skiing holiday in Austria. A clearly stunned Naschtkind had this to say upon learning of The Banana Chronicles' latest scoop: "How the hell did you find out? This is highly classified information. Do you realise the trouble that will be caused if this story breaks? Uwe would have to go back to working on shit like Alone in the Dark. Now, fuck off and die!"

Senior White House officials are believed to be desperate to keep the story under wraps as they've already promised NASA an A-list Hollywood director will be working on the project. Our top-secret source, RedRim, confirmed these worries: "Look, you've seen Boll's movies. They absolutely suck! Do you really think NASA wants to be associated with the guy who directed BloodRayne and Postal? They still think they're getting James Cameron and the shit is really going to hit the fan when this thing leaks. The sorry truth is that after bailing out Wall Street to the tune of a trillion dollars, the government can barely even afford someone of Boll's standard."

None of these concerns appear to be affecting the confidence of the German director. At a recent launch party for his latest direct to DVD movie, Seed, an irate Boll could be heard bragging to confused guests about his ability to top Stanley Kubrick's elaborate hoax for the 1969 Apollo Moon mission: "All I hear from zeze Vite Houze cunts is Stanley Kubrick ziz, Apollo mission zat. Just because he shot zat fat bitch, Neil Armstrong, jumping onto zom fake sand, everyone thinks he's some sort of fucking god! I could have made a better moon movie vit vun arm tied behind my back and a jumbo bratwerzt sausage rammed up my arze hole! It was zo fucking fake!"

Negotiations were scheduled to have been completed months ago in order for pre-production to begin. Production Costume designer, Jeane Lee, explains the hold up: "This deal should have been tied up in July. It was all agreed, the only thing needed was Boll's signature and pre-production could have commenced. Unfortunately, things are never quite that clean cut with Mr Boll. You see, a nice simple land on Mars, walk around for a bit, then get off of Mars approach isn't good enough for Uwe. He wants the astronauts to get attacked by this thing called "The Martian Angel of Death." He says it's a half scorpion, half humanoid, devourer of souls. The nightmare for us is that George W. Bush has bought into it hook, line and sinker. He's now refusing to commission the Mars project unless the Martian Angel of Death is guaranteed an appearance. He even wants the astronauts to all be killed so he can squeeze some money out of congress for weapons to go and fight this thing."

Despite the current impasse in negotations, White House officials expect Boll to sign once filming finshes on his latest movie, BloodRayne 3: Destruction of Dreams.