THE DEATH OF INSPIRATION

Now, one of the main advantages of being a fictional character is that you can do at will many things that ordinary beings of the flesh cannot. Take time travelling, for instance. This morning, I woke up and zoomed forward to the year 2045. Whilst there, I grabbed a cup of coffee and settled down to read the obituary section of my local community paper, Global World News Hourly. What I read shocked me to my very core! Here is an abridged version of the offending article.

ERIC VON MARKOVIK, MYSTERIOUS PICK-UP ARTIST, DEAD AT 74
By Chad Mertonic

Eric von Markovik, better known as Mystery, star of VH1's multi-award winning reality TV show, The Pick-up Artist, died on September 12 in Namibia, southern Africa. His tragic death occurred during filming for the new CBS show, King of the Wild, a Christmas Day special in which Mystery would take his "game" to the next level by seducing a variety of wild animal species native to the jungles of east Namibia.

In a recent interview with SeeVoQ Magazine, Von Markovik spelt out his latest musings on the venusian arts and how he planned to transport them from the hippest clubs of New York and San Francisco to the deepest jungles of Africa.

"Listen, there's only so much pussy a man can nail in one lifetime. Sometimes, you have to step it up a level and innovate if you want to move the game forward. In theory, there isn't a whole lot of difference between capturing the heart of a beautiful woman and getting a lion, monkey or giraffe to suck on your balls. I mean, really, how hard can it be? We're all fucking animals at the end of the day."


Tragically, what had seemed sound in theory turned into a sordid, degrading nightmare for Von Markovik in the all too real jungle playgrounds of Namibia.

After successfully seducing an eight month old spider monkey, a euphoric Mystery attempted to demonstrate his "negging" skills on a herd of stampeding elephants. Assistant cameraman, Mike Grovello, witnessed Mystery's slow, painful death with his very own eyes. "It was fucking horrible, man. Eric was so happy. He was on a real high after fucking that monkey. You could see the invincibility all over his face. Nothing was gonna stop him from taking those elephants."

Mystery's personal make-up artist, Shelly Lelong, picks up the story. "Eric never did have his penis circumcised and it ended up killing him. I don't think he was expecting his foreskin to get hooked on one of the elephant's tusks. He must have been dragged over hard, jagged rocks and hot sand for at least three miles before the skin ripped off. To then be gangbanged to death by fifteen hyenas was pretty awful."

ERIC VON MARKOVIK 1971 - 2045

R.I.P