By Noel Fratuloray
Hi, folks. My name's Noel Fratuloray. I'm a 26 year old male from the small mining town of Nathanson, Colorado. I like fishing, drinking beers with my boys, sex......all the usual kinda things a regular guy does in his spare time. In terms of music, I live for Metallica. They are one motherfucking awesome, balls to the wall band. Rock on! I quite like watching Pimp My Ride and Lost, but it's no major biggy if I miss an episode or two. I like to live my life, not waste it staring at a box!
I've been employed by The Project Corrupt Mind Vanilla Group (P.C.M.V.G) since leaving college about three years ago. It's a great place to work and I've been lucky enough to meet some real nice people in my time there. Basically, my job is to manipulate and control George W. Bush's mind. I'm what's known in the industry as a puppeteer. It's a lot easier than it sounds, and to tell the truth, it's actually pretty boring. All I have to do is call George on the phone, say his SUNCOP (subconscious unlock code phrase), which is "trixie lust," and then read out a list of things for him to do during the day. The annoying thing is I don't even get to choose what's on the list. It's mainly a lot of stuff to do with money and weapons and laws and that kinda thing.
At the moment, I make the main chunk of my earnings in commission. If George does something which helps to make my bosses a load of cash, I get 0.0000001% of that sum added to my basic wage (a meagre $20'000 a year). It's enough to help pay off my student loans and keep me in beer for the month but that's about it.
What I'm really looking forward to is when I get to take George private, i.e, I get to choose what goes on his list of things to do. Basically, when the puppet is no longer of any use to P.C.M.V.G, the puppeteer is given the option of either "cutting the strings" for a one off $18'000 payment or of keeping the puppet "brain freezed" in order to raise private funds in any which way they see fit.
Now, I'm not gonna bore you with the ins and outs of private puppeteering, but let's just say the last P.C.M.V.G employee to take this option ended up making a very rewarding decision. His puppet, John Travolta, was originally used by P.C.M.V.G to help smear the Scientology group. This was achieved solely by having Travolta become a Scientologist. Once J.T had been decommissioned, the puppeteer took him private and managed to strike a six figure deal with a leading hair-transplant clinic whereby Travolta would "agree" to wear a series of bizarre, ill-fitting and easily identifiable wigs in his next five movie appearances.
New Man Hair Solutions PLC noticed a 14.3% rise in the number of follically-challenged men choosing hair transplants over hair pieces solely due to having seen Travolta's scruffy, nylon wig in the 2001 action film, Swordfish. Hair transplants are now an accepted and extremely lucrative form of cosmetic improvement for men and the Travolta deal played a big part in this success.
Anyway, back to George W. because this is where you come in. I need your ideas on how to make my puppet successful in the private sector. Ideas can be as wacky and out there as your brains will allow. All suggestions must be received by email or special mind transmission by the end of October '08. The winning contestant will get to meet George W. and also have a free day where they can program him to do anything they want him to. That's right, folks! If it's your dream to have George W. Bush wax your butt crack then maybe your dream might not be so impossible after all. Thanks for reading and good luck.
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